


Tangled Heartstrings

by moonbands



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, Cashton, Fluff, M/M, Muke - Freeform, a little bit of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-12
Updated: 2015-08-12
Packaged: 2018-04-14 07:54:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4556721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonbands/pseuds/moonbands
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Michael has trouble coming to terms with liking a boy. He doesn't like to think about it too much.</p><p>Ashton isn't gay. He's not. He likes girl lips. He does. Boy lips aren't pretty like girls lips. Or are they?</p><p>(Essentially two different stories with interwoven plots.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [pnkrckclffrd](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pnkrckclffrd/gifts).



Michael takes a seat beside Calum as Luke gets up to go over to the make-shift studio in their hotel suite. Ashton is fumbling through the fridge, looking for something to eat, before finally settling on pulling out a block of cheese. He opens the utensils drawer and takes out a sharp knife to start cutting up little cheese rectangles. Michael pulls out his phone, scrolling through Twitter and following a few random people before getting extremely bored. His eyes shift over to Luke, where the younger boy’s lips press against the microphone, and he decides he’d much rather watch Luke sing than read all the tweets on his timeline. He lets himself settle down on the couch, his legs splaying out and his arms taking up more room so that they’re pressed to Calum’s. Calum pushes Michael’s arm but doesn’t do anything else. In fact, he kind of leans into Michael’s arm and gets comfortable, his phone taking up all his focus.

Ashton sits down on the other side of Calum, a stack of cut up cheese on a small plate. Calum immediately tries to take one, but Ashton swats his hand away before he can touch his cheese. Michael rolls his eyes, but he does feel the inner want of having just one slice of cheese in his tummy. He turns his head and whispers not-so-quietly into Calum’s ear, “Get me one.”

“I heard that, and I’m going to move,” Ashton tells them, and Calum whines when he stands up. Ashton moves over to the other chair, picking up a slice of cheese and putting it in his mouth.

“Sharing is caring,” Calum mumbles like every single other time he doesn’t get something he wants. Michael pats his head and goes back to watching Luke, who hits a really nice melismatic syllable just as Michael looks up. Sometimes Michael is in awe with how fantastic of a singer Luke is, and he would normally pride himself in being able to harmonize anything given to him, but he gets lost in Luke’s voice so easily that it scares him. He thinks it might just be his love for music, but it could also be something else. He doesn’t like to think about it too much.

Luke meets Michael’s eyes and gives a small smile. Almost as if turned on by a remote, Michael’s stomach flutters just a tiny bit like there are butterflies inside. Yeah, Michael definitely doesn’t like to think about it too much. 

A few minutes go by as they all lounge around waiting for Luke to finish recording. It’s been a long day and all of them are tired and lazy, save for Ashton who’s just hungry and keeps getting up to retrieve more food. Michael finds himself falling asleep to Luke’s voice even though Calum’s subconsciously tracing his fingers over Michael’s arm while playing a game on his phone. It’s not a deep sleep, but Michael will take any sleep he can get.

 

Michael wakes up to someone prodding at his face. It’s fairly light, so he’s not too bothered, but he opens his eyes anyways. It takes a second for his sleepy haze to go away, but then he focuses on Luke’s tired face, and he offers a sleepy smile. Michael’s arms wrap around Luke’s body, and he pulls him into his chest, Luke’s hair tickling his cheek. Luke giggles, and Michael’s content although their position is a little uncomfortable. “Hey, sleepyhead,” Luke mumbles into Michael’s shoulder.

“Hi,” Michael whispers back, breathing in Luke’s warm vanilla scent. He closes his eyes, ready to fall back asleep, but Luke pulls back and looks down at him.

“You can’t sleep here, silly. There’s a bed in our room. Come with me, okay?” Luke stands up, causing Michael to put out his grabby hands. Luke takes both of his hands in his own, pulling Michael up from the couch. 

“Carry me,” Michael pleads, his hands latched on to Luke’s shoulders. 

Luke sighs and turns around, moving his head to speak to Michael. “Get on my back, you lazy shit.” Michael gleefully climbs on to Luke’s back, and looks at the pair of them in the mirror across the room. They look kind of funny because they’re both, like, six feet tall and Luke is waddling as he carries Michael back to their bedroom. 

Michael rests his head on Luke’s hair, happiness taking him over when he thinks of how great of a person Luke is. Luke gently sets Michael down on the bed, and Michael flops down on the mattress, his whole body taking up the space. Luke doesn’t seem to mind as he stands back up, stripping down to his boxers, searching through his bag to get a pair of pajama pants, and pushing Michael over so he can crawl under the covers. Michael lazily takes off his clothes, climbing under the covers to join Luke. He cuddles up to the younger boy, mumbling a “thank you” against his chest. 

Michael doesn’t let himself think about Luke anymore that day although it’s really hard because he’s pressed up against him. He falls asleep within a few minutes, and he can’t escape Luke in his dreams either, but he also can’t seem to care about that too much. 

 

Michael wakes up sweating and struggling to breathe, and his eyes fly open in a hurry. He takes in his surroundings for a split second before landing his eyes on Luke, who’s managed to lay his whole body on Michael’s. Michael tries as carefully as possible to push Luke off of him without waking him up. It goes over really well until Luke falls completely on his side, and Michael waits with bated breath as he shuffles around, draping an arm over Michael’s stomach. He figures it’s better than suffocating.

Michael almost never wakes before Luke, so it’s rare that he finds the time to think for himself, especially with his hectic band schedule. Michael takes this opportunity to look at Luke, and finally let his feelings surface after shoving them away for so long. 

Yeah, Luke is gorgeous. Anyone with eyes can see that. It’s just, well, people don’t know exactly how gorgeous he is unless they spend every day with him. Michael can’t think of one day that he didn’t want Luke to be there with him. Sure, he likes time to himself just as much as the next person, but Michael doesn’t seem to care for “me time” when Luke’s around. It’s Luke’s quality of not being annoying that’s got Michael so hooked.

Now, this is the first time he’s admitted this to himself. He’s actually hooked on Luke Hemmings. Not in the “he’s my best friend” kind of way but in the “I’ve slowly grown more and more attracted to him to the point where I see him and I immediately want to kiss him as a greeting, and maybe just kiss him in general” kind of way. Michael’s scared out of his mind.

It’s not that Michael’s homophobic, no. His best friend, Calum, is gay, and he thinks Luke likes guys (they haven’t really had a conversation about it yet), so he’s not opposed to people liking the same gender. It’s just that he himself has never even remotely found himself attracted to guys, like, at all. This is a big deal for him. 

Thinking on it now, he’s not entirely sure this could count as a crush. If he hasn’t liked boys before, then how does he know if he likes Luke? Michael almost wishes sexuality had some kind of personalized guide to help him through it. He’s not attracted to Ashton or Calum. He’s not attracted to Brendon Urie, Chris Pratt, or Miles Morales, so shouldn’t he feel a little better about his sort of infatuation with Luke?

Michael realizes just how stupid this point is when he glances down at Luke. The blonde’s mouth is open, and tiny snores are floating up to Michael’s ears. His heartbeat rapidly increases because he finds Luke just so endearing. Yeah, it’s stupid to think this is anything other than a crush. 

It’s not long into Michael’s deep thoughts that he notices Luke’s breathing become less shallow. He waits a few seconds for Luke to wake up, and he smiles down at him when his sleepy eyes meet Michael’s. 

“Good morning,” Michael whispers, the sound seeming loud in the quiet room.

Luke takes a second to yawn before replying. “Why are you awake before me?” he asks, closing his eyes and snuggling up to Michael. Michael wraps an arm around Luke’s body.

“Don’t know,” he answers. It’s quiet for another minute before Luke sits up, leaving Michael’s body to face the cool morning air. Michael turns over and buries his face in his pillow, ignoring the body lifting itself from the bed and the door to the bathroom closing. He can't believe how much he longs for Luke to come back to bed and cuddle with him. 

This brings him back to thinking about his feelings. What if it's not a crush? What if it's just Michael wanting someone to share special moments with like sleepy kisses and tender touches? He hasn't had a girlfriend in a while, and his band mates probably weren't up for the touchy-feely activities that Michael was thinking of. 

But then Michael thinks of Luke. He'd want to kiss Luke in the mornings. He'd want to rub circles on his skin as they cuddle. He'd want to caress his face and look into those blue eyes of Luke's that no one seems to have. And Michael thinks of doing these things with Calum or Ashton, and he doesn't want to. He doesn't want to share sweet moments with them like he does with Luke. Michael thinks of doing these things with a girl, and it doesn't sit quite right. Something in his chest is telling him, "No, no." And he thinks of Luke and it's screaming, "Yes! Yes!"

Michael doesn't like to think about his crush on Luke, but he knows it's there. All signs are pointing him in one direction, and Luke just happens to be at the end of the road. 

The bed dips again as Luke climbs back under the covers, moving his body flush with Michael's. "Had to pee," Luke answers Michael's unasked question. 

Michael turns his head, bumping his nose against Luke's. They're breathing in the same air, and Luke doesn't seem too bothered by their close proximity. In fact, Luke moves his limbs so that they're clinging onto Michael's body as if he were a koala hugging a tree branch. Michael smiles softly and turns his whole body, fitting his arms and legs in the spaces Luke opens up, so they fit together like puzzle pieces. Their heads rest over each other's shoulders, their arms and legs cross over the other person's back, and their legs intertwine in a less than elegant way, very unlike vines and more like sticks some preschooler bent to curve around each other.

Michael could get used to doing this every morning (even if he'd like a little more soft kisses). Of course, their cuddle time is cut short when Ashton knocks on their door before swinging it open. 

"Oh, good, you're awake!" Ashton chirps too bubbly for the quiet morning. "I made some eggs and toast for breakfast. I know it's not ideal, but we have to get going in an hour and I know how long you two take to get ready." Ashton's words were accompanied by a middle finger from Luke, but none of them took offense to obscene gestures anymore. Besides, Luke, out of all people, should know what Ashton said is completely true. Michael, on the other hand, found Ashton's actions admirable. He is just looking out for his band so that they don't ruin their career. 

Once Ashton closes the door again, it's only a few seconds before Luke is pulling away from Michael. Michael lets out a whine that he'd never admit to making, and he almost asks for a kiss in return of Luke leaving, but immediately remembers that band mates don't just kiss each other for no reason. Michael has to teach himself that just because he finally delved into his feelings for Luke, he can't ask for the simple things from a relationship. 

 

It's a few days later when Luke and Michael are hanging out alone again. The band switches off roommates sometimes for no apparent reason other than for one person not getting sick of the rest of them. Ashton is out with Calum probably doing some city exploring and sight seeing. Michael doesn't feel like leaving the hotel, and Luke just really wanted to wrap himself in a duvet and watch reruns of Spongebob while eating Chinese leftovers he found in the fridge, so that's what he's doing.

Michael is kind of bored with checking his phone every five minutes, and as he looks over at Luke all wrapped in the fluffy duvet, he's really tempted to just snuggle up to him and laugh at stupid jokes on the T.V. Michael does what any normal person would do while looking at Luke Hemmings and moves closer to him, shoving his phone into his pocket. 

"Will you share the blanket?" Michael asks almost timidly, afraid to be shot down. Of course, Luke has cuddled with him before, but Michael still feels the need to make himself seem miserly because of his newly found feelings for the blonde. Luke, unaware of Michael's inner turmoil, lifts the covers from his body without a second thought, allowing Michael to slip in beside him. Michael instantly feels warmth overtake his body, and he's not sure if it's from the blanket or Luke's body pressed against his side. 

"Do you want to know something?" Luke asks with his mouth full, turning to Michael. Michael can't help but to find the green pepper strip hanging from Luke's lips to be endearing. Before he can say anything, Luke is already tonguing it into his mouth and moving along in the conversation. "I like you the best to sleep with at night. You don't mind my cuddles or my nightmares."

It's true. In fact, Michael prefers the cuddling. The nightmares, however, could take a break every once in a while. It seems like Luke never gets a good sleep anymore because he's always dreaming about some not-so-nice things. He would call them dreams, but the restlessness in the middle of the night hardly seems like something he'd want to see again. They've looked up some possible reasons why Luke has so many dreams, and they've determined that it's either stress or the fact that he sleeps on his stomach unlike the rest of his band. Either way, Luke sometimes wakes Michael up in the middle of the night on the verge of tears, and Michael knows immediately to wrap his arms around the younger boy and tell him, "it's okay, I'm here," over and over. Michael's not too sure how well that works because he never gets feedback, but Luke seems indifferent about it, so he figures it can't be a bad thing.

"Do you want to know something?" Michael imitates Luke, and then backtracks. With Michael's feelings now relevant, he's having a hard time not letting them slip through his lips. He can't just tell Luke, "I like you," or else problems inside the band will occur, and, even more importantly, inside the band's circle of friendship. Everything would be put on the line if Michael utters those three words.

"You like me?" Luke whispers, a blank expression on his face. Michael freaks out internally. How did he know what he was thinking? He didn't say it out loud did he? "Like me how?" 

And now Michael's face turns red. Not the kind of red that lightly brushes your cheeks, but the kind of red that takes up your whole face and your neck and your ears and some of your chest, and Michael thinks it just got a thousand degrees hotter under the duvet. "A-as a f-friend," Michael stutters unconvincingly. 

"Oh. Well then I like you too," Luke responds, turning to watch Squidward shoot lava from his volcano hat. Michael is in shock. Yeah, he's relieved that Luke didn't question him further, but Michael clearly didn't mean what he said. How did Luke believe him at all?

Michael shouldn't be complaining. Luke did, after all, admit to liking Michael back. Well, it wasn't the same kind of like, but Michael will take it. He likes being liked anyways.

After a half hour with a few giggles from both boys at the show, Calum walks into the room with a shopping bag, and Ashton walks in with what looks like new sunglasses. "Nice shades," Michael comments. 

"Thanks. I got them at a little thrift store. I thought they looked cool, so I tried them on, and they happened to be my prescription, so I bought them." Ashton seems pretty proud of himself. He doesn't take the sunglasses off even when he's inside the room and plopping down on the couch next to Michael. "Now I can be cool and see at the same time."

"You're not cool, and you can't see if you wear shades inside!" Calum calls out as he walks into his and Ashton's room for the night. 

"Fuck off, Calum!" Ashton calls back, but takes his sunglasses off anyways. Michael pretends to not see the way Ashton's bottom lip juts out in a pout. 

He just cuddles up to Luke, who tenses for a second before wrapping an arm around Michael. His empty Chinese food container is set to the side and forgotten, most likely to be picked up by Ashton later on in the day. Michael doesn't know how he feels about being backhandedly rejected by Luke, but he figures it's better than not being able to have moments like these.

 

It's one of their last concerts before their week off, and Michael is nervous for no apparent reason. He's been on edge all day because of Luke's strange behavior. He continuously asks for small things like cuddles and hugs and high fives from Michael, and just as Michael's settling in, Luke moves away or forgets about Michael completely. He shouldn't be hurt by this because Luke is asking for all of these things, but he's also the one pushing Michael away.

Michael hasn't been on his game for the whole concert, barely looking up from his guitar and clumsily messing up his notes. When he does look up, he always finds his gaze wandering back to Luke, and his throat clenches up, and his stomach fills with butterflies. Michael thinks it's best that he doesn't look up at all.

He's pretty sure that his band mates have noticed his little mistakes, and they try to cover it up with small extra notes. He's grateful, but he feels like he should be doing better at his own job. Then, of course, even more pressure is put on himself to do well, causing him to be even more nervous, and it's all really just a big mess.

By the time they get off the stage, Michael has sweated through his shirt, and he feels like he's going to throw up. Ashton pats him on the back for a little comfort, and Calum just gives him an easy smile. Luke, however, takes his wrist and drags him into the bathroom in the dressing room, closing the door behind them.

"Are you okay?" Luke asks, and Michael's heart flutters because of Luke's concern for him. 

"I'm okay, yeah," Michael replies breathily. He can't tell Luke what's really on his mind.

Luke's hand reaches up to cup Michael's cheek, and Michael holds his breath. Luke's fingertips run along Michael's ear, and his thumb brushes his cheekbone. Luke's eyes glance down to Michael's lips, and suddenly Michael has no idea what's happening anymore.

His eyes are closed, and he can feel Luke's lips on his and they're wet like maybe Luke licked them before leaning in. Michael's heart pounds in his chest, and he finds his hands gripping Luke's shirt. Luke pulls back not even two seconds into the kiss, yet Michael feels like it was an eternity of soft lips pressed to his. His eyes flutter open to find a smirk on Luke's face, and he steps away from Michael, causing his hands to fall to his sides. 

Without a word, Luke opens the door and leaves the bathroom. Michael blinks slowly before turning to watch Luke leave the dressing room. Luke kissed Michael, and took Michael's heart with him.

When Michael gets out of the dressing room to follow Luke, one of his security guards comes up to him and tells him they need to leave. As he's ushered out of the arena, he finds Luke talking to a group of girls. They all have bright smiles on their faces, and Luke has this look on his face that Michael's seen too much to not know what it is. Anger boils beneath his skin, but is quickly washed away by the cool air from the outside hitting his skin.

Lights hit his eyes, and he's momentarily blinded by all the flashes of cameras. He faintly makes out Ashton looking all smug with his sunglasses on even though it's dark out. He makes his way to the car, stopping for a few pictures while the security guard is trying to push him forward. He forgets about the kiss and Luke for a few minutes, but once he's inside the car and facing Calum, he can't help but feel the anger bubbling up again. It's less of a tidal wave this time and more of a gently rising sea before a storm hits. 

It's a minute later that Luke slides in the car next to him, and the driver pulls away from the venue. Luke bumps knees with Michael's, and Michael tenses up straight away. He turns his face so that he's looking out the window, his jaw set and his fists clenched. He knows he could just talk to Luke, but he's let himself rile up too much for an actual conversation. He feels like punching out the window. 

The car is intensely quiet on the way to the hotel besides the shuffling of legs between Calum and Ashton. Michael watches them for a minute and sees them glancing at each other. He thinks he sees a small smile on Calum's face (he doesn't know, it's really dark), and he's not sure why he's so happy.

When the car stops at the back doors of the hotel, Michael doesn't take a minute to open the door and storms inside. He decides to take the stairs to work off some steam, but he finds himself even more angry and a little more exhausted. He hastily shoves open the hotel suite door and runs to his room, which he knows he's sharing with Luke tonight. He plummets face first into the bed and lets out a terrific scream into the mattress, his body shaking from pent up emotions. 

All Michael feels like doing now is crying. Why did he have to develop a crush on Luke? Not only is he Michael's best friend, but also a member of his band. He should've known Luke wouldn't give up flirting for him. He's not even sure if Luke even likes him back. Michael's just in a tangle of feelings that he can't seem to shake his way out of. 

There's a knock on the door, but Michael vaguely remembers leaving it open, but he doesn't have the motivation to look up at the face of the person most likely to knock on the door. "Mikey?" Luke's voice softly carries over to the bed. Michael's tense shoulders ease up a bit at his voice, but he doesn't let himself lose all of his anger. "Are you okay?"

That's the second time tonight he's asked this, and Michael didn't like what happened (well, the second part of it) the first time he asked, so he remains quiet. Luke's socked feet pad over to the bed, and Michael feels the mattress dip next to him as a hand rests on his upper back. "Did I do something wrong?"

Michael reluctantly turns his head to look up at Luke, who looks both guilty and concerned. Michael doesn't like seeing that expression on his face. "You kissed me," Michael answers quietly, almost soft enough to escape Luke's hearing. Luke gives a small smile and nods. Michael sits up because he doesn't understand how Luke thinks that's a good thing. "And then you left me to go flirt with some girls," Michael adds on bitterly, turning his back to Luke and folding his hands in his lap. He stares angrily at his fingers.

"I wasn't flirting with them," Luke defends himself. "I was, um, asking them something."

Michael snorts, not in the way that he finds Luke funny but in the way that he doesn't believe him. "Yeah, right. What did you ask them?" He can feel Luke staring at his back, and he ignores the goosebumps crawling up his skin.

"I asked them if kissing someone was a good way to tell someone I like them back," Luke whispers in Michael's ear. Michael jumps a little bit because he didn't expect Luke to be so close. He whips his head around, and Luke is giving him a shy smile. At that moment, he looks so small despite his long legs curved over the edge of the bed. 

"You like me?" Michael asks breathlessly, just to make sure. His stomach is slowly filling back up with butterflies, and his cheeks heat up at the thought of kissing Luke again. It seems like Luke is reading his mind because he's leaning forward, and Michael's world stops when their lips meet for the second time.

It doesn't take Michael long for the shock to wear off enough to kiss Luke back. His hands move over Luke's sides and onto his back as their lips slide together, making sort of wet sounds between them. They're forced to pull away when Luke giggles against Michael's mouth.

"Of course I like you, idiot," Luke mumbles, his forehead pressing to Michael's. 

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" Michael questions, remembering the day he accidentally let it slip that he had feelings for Luke. 

Luke kisses Michael a few times, letting Michael chase after him for some more little kisses. "I don't know if you know this, but I'm pansexual. Means I could've been kissing you a long time ago if you had a crush on me sooner. I waited long enough to know I could wait a little longer."

Luke laughs as Michael pushes him over, but joins him by laying next to him. "So you were being a dick just to torture me?" Michael asks, a hand snaking it's way over Luke's stomach to drape over him. He doesn't even let Luke answer before he continues, "Now I can cuddle you even more than usual."

With Luke pressing kisses to Michael's hairline, he was content. And even though he still woke up to Luke shaking him awake in the middle of the night, he was able to kiss the nightmares away. It's safe to say they weren't switching roommates anymore. Michael's not too sure that Calum and Ashton mind though.

But that's a story for another time.


	2. Hateful Endeavors

Ashton sits down in his own chair with his plate of cheese, stuffing one in his mouth right away. He ignores Calum pouting at him and stares across the room, refusing to meet his eye. "Sharing is caring," Calum mumbles from his seat, and Ashton rolls his eyes before placing a small piece of cheese on his tongue, slipping it in his mouth. 

As Luke sings in the background, he chomps down on his cheese, zoning out until he only has two pieces of cheese left. At this point, he totally didn't notice Calum sneaking from his seat on the couch, where Michael seems to be sleeping. Calum sits on the arm of Ashton's chair, his puppy dog eyes on full blast. "Can I please have a slice?" 

Ashton looks down at his plate and sighs. "Okay, fucker." He holds up his plate, but Calum makes no move to grab a piece.

"Feed it to me?" Calum asks, and Ashton almost groans loudly before remembering Luke is still recording. Not that the fans wouldn't love to hear that. He huffily picks up the cheese and places it at Calum's mouth, feeding him like a baby. Calum hums in appreciation, moving off the chair and sitting back on the couch.

Ashton feels gross for succumbing to Calum's wishes. He's his best friend and band mate, not his slave. As he looks at Calum sucking his bottom lip into his mouth as he runs his tongue over it, Ashton thinks that Calum can get away with almost anything if he uses those pretty lips of his.

And then Ashton backtracks because boy lips aren't pretty. Girl lips are pretty. Girl lips make him go weak and boy lips are just boy lips. Calum's lips are just feminine to the point they're pouty and, okay, maybe a little pretty. But they're still boy lips.

After Ashton's cheese fest, he finds himself feeling super tired and lazy. It's not long before his eyelids start drooping, but he's thankful that as soon as he closes his eyes a little too long, Calum is at his side telling him Luke's done recording. He sleepily rubs his eyes, standing up, the forgotten cheese plate clanging to the floor. Calum giggles and picks it up for him, carrying it over to the sink and setting it inside. 

When Ashton makes his way to the to his room, he pulls his phone out of his pocket and notices it's already 11 pm. Ashton sighs because, even though he's young and in a band, he still likes to maintain his sleep schedule. Despite his body's refusal, he drags his feet to his and Calum's room, Calum right behind him.

 

Ashton awakes to a faint sniffling and a sigh. He turns over and checks the time on the clock, cursing under his breath when he sees he's barely gotten half an hour of sleep. When he hears some more sniffles and what seems to be a muffled sob, all of his cares about sleep are thrown out the window. He lifts his head to look at the other bed, where he sees Calum's face illuminated by his phone and his hand pressed over his mouth.

"Calum?" he calls out, earning a scared yelp from the younger boy. The light from his phone immediately turns off, and there's a silence that Ashton really doesn't want to be the one to break. He figures he's going to have to when Calum starts hiccuping. 

Climbing out of bed, he sneaks under Calum's covers, and it seems a bit awkward to lay down and face Calum while he's crying, but Ashton can't think of anything better to do. "What's wrong?" Ashton asks, his hand reaching out to thumb over Calum's bare shoulder. 

Calum doesn't reply, just sniffles once before turning away from Ashton. He knows he can't ignore Ashton for too long because Ashton's already climbed into his bed and is making an effort to get him talking. He kind of hates Ashton for how easy he lets go in front of him. 

Ashton takes Calum's silence as a "I don't want to talk right now," and he's not bothered. He fights with his inner turmoil about cuddling up to the sniffling boy, but finds himself wrapping an arm around his stomach and pulling his back flush against his chest. Ashton self-consciously presses his lips to Calum's shoulder, wondering how long it will take to ease the words out of him.

Ashton's just about to fall asleep again when Calum speaks up. "I don't want to write anymore," he mumbles, clearly not trying to be heard by Ashton. His breath hitches in his throat as Ashton feels his heart sink.

"Why not? I thought you loved writing," Ashton whispers, his fingers picking up a slow trace on Calum's side. He feels goosebumps start to form but decides not to comment on them.

Calum sighs and flips over under Ashton's arm, pressing his face against Ashton's chest. The older boy feels wet marks on his skin rubbing off from Calum's cheeks, and he lifts his head to wipe away the tears. His thumb pads rub at Calum's skin and make his cheeks red, but Calum doesn't seem to mind as his wet eyelashes brush against Ashton's fingers as he looks down. "I suck at writing," Calum whispers.

"No, you don't," Ashton is quick to reply. He wraps his arms around Calum, inadvertently trapping his face in his chest. He rests his head on Calum's hair, pressing his lips against the fluffy strands. "You know all those songs that fans love but we never play anymore? You wrote those. They love your music. You know all those songs that we're releasing? The ones that the fans are going ballistic over? You wrote those. Don't put yourself down. You're such an amazing writer, Calum."

Calum murmurs into Ashton's skin, and he can feel Calum trying not to smile. Ashton reaches a hand up to the black hair and ruffles it gently, pulling away to look at Calum's face. Calum looks up at Ashton with a small smile, his damp cheeks now enhancing the glimmer of his eyes. "Thanks, Ash."

Ashton giggles and starts crawling out of Calum's bed, intent on getting a good night's sleep, but Calum's fingers grip his ankle just before he can move his foot to touch the floor. "Won't you stay with me?" Calum asks, his voice timid and very un-Calum-like. 

Ashton hesitates on moving from the bed. Why does Calum want him to stay? What will the others think if he does? He's not gay like Calum, he doesn't like doing all this touchy-feely stuff with another guy. That should be saved for girls. 

"Sorry, Cal," Ashton quietly replies, slipping from the bed and padding his feet over to his own. He crawls under the covers, turning his head to glance at Calum. He pretends that the silence in the room isn't due to Calum's rejection in a time of need, and thinks it's mainly because they're both tired and need some sleep. 

Ashton doesn't dare to think it would've been easier falling asleep with Calum in his arms.

 

Ashton wakes up and almost forgets about the night before when he climbed into bed with Calum, but when he looks over at his empty bed, he remembers vividly. He yawns and sits up, stretching out his back and arm muscles. He slides out of bed and makes his way to the kitchen, where he finds a sleepy Calum sitting at a table eating a bowl of cereal. 

"Morning," Ashton greets him, playing it off like he didn't reject Calum, the band cuddler, of cuddles last night. 

Ashton doesn't even receive a greeting. "Will you make me some breakfast?" Ashton turns around from where he's looking in the fridge to where Calum is eating, pointedly eyeing the bowl of cereal.

"Really, Calum?" Ashton turns to look back in the fridge, deciding on pulling out some eggs to make breakfast. He makes sure to grab enough for all four of them, despite his inner monologue about he shouldn't have to make a boy breakfast just because he asked him to without using the puppy eyes. He feels like his walls have grown weaker. He at least deserves puppy eyes before he crumbles to Calum's feet.

"Please," Calum whines through a spoonful of frosted flakes. Of course, Ashton was already planning on making him a second breakfast whether or not the kiwi boy would eat it. Ashton hates how Calum has him on a leash. 

"Eat your cereal, and then tell me how hungry you are," Ashton mumbles, and Calum whimpers. Ashton freezes at the sound, but bends down to get a pan for the eggs. "Wouldn't hurt to call me pretty and thank me either."

"You're pretty, and thank you," Calum giggles, knowing he won. He continues to eat his cereal as Ashton makes eggs and toast, and Ashton pretends not to flex his arms for times when it doesn't require flexing. He knows he's pretty, he's just glad Calum said it.

 

A few days later, Ashton finds himself looking at Calum through the mirror he was supposed to be checking out the sunglasses on his face with. He watches as Calum tries on a pair of pink glasses with hearts around the rims and makes a silly face in his own mirror. He smiles to himself before looking at his sunglasses in the mirror. He can see his face clearly, and the round lenses make his cheekbones stand out.

"What do you think?" he asks Calum, turning to show him the sunglasses. Calum studies his face for a minute before a grin covers his own face.

"Looking good, Irwin," Calum praises. Ashton thinks he should listen to Calum. He's the one attracted to boys. He ignores the knot in his stomach telling him to stop bringing up people's sexualities if he's not going to bring up his own.

Calum walks away to leave Ashton to sort himself out. Ashton decides he's going to buy the sunglasses once he sees the prescription on them. How lucky is he that he found the perfect pair of sunglasses? 

Ashton spends a little more time in the thrift store, checking out little trinkets and some band t-shirts before making his way to the cashier. He looks up to find Calum hurriedly pushing something into a bag after the cashier gives it to him. He smiles, albeit nervously, as Ashton walks up to him. "What'd you get?" Ashton asks, curious to Calum's behavior.

"Nothing," he replies a little too quickly, but Ashton decides not to press for more. He hands the sunglasses to the cash register lady and pays for them, thanking her as he walks with Calum towards the door.

They hurry back to the place they're staying, not wanting to get mobbed by fans without their security around. They make it to their hotel and get into the elevator, stepping into the room playing soft music.

Ashton is still wearing his sunglasses and Calum has a death grip on his bag. Now Ashton's too curious. "What's in the bag?" he asks again, leaning against the wall.

"I said nothing," Calum snaps, and Ashton watches as his face grows red. He waits a moment before his hand darts to grab the bag, but he's not quick enough for Calum. The younger boy hides it behind his back, and Ashton stumbles forward and traps Calum between his arms. "Stop," Calum whispers, his eyes glancing down to the space between them.

"I just want to know what you bought," Ashton explains, inching his arms tighter against Calum's body to get his fingers on the bag.

"Please," Calum mumbles, stepping forward to push Ashton's chest away from him. Ashton just leans forward, watching Calum's eyes flutter to his covered by his sunglasses. The breath is knocked from his mouth as he meets his gaze, and his nose bumps into Calum's. 

Calum glances down to Ashton's lips, and before Ashton realizes, Calum's leaning in, and their lips are brushing together before he pulls away. "I'm not gay," he huffs, crossing his arms just as the elevator doors ding open. As soon as he says it, he grimaces at the unintended emphasis on the word "gay," like he said it as if it were a bad thing.

It's deafeningly silent until Calum moves from his spot and storms down the hallway, his bag clutched to his chest. He opens the door just as Ashton reaches him, and they both walk into the room. 

Michael greets him with a "Nice shades!" and Ashton tells him the story of the thrift shop while sitting down in a chair. 

"Now I can be cool and see at the same time," he jokes, his growing smile stopped by a look from Calum walking across the room.

"You're not cool, and you can't see if you wear shades inside!"

Ashton tries not to look hurt as he takes off his sunglasses. "Fuck off, Calum!" he yells back, slouching in his chair. He thinks he deserves getting yelled at.

 

It's one hour before one of the last concerts of the tour, and Ashton can't find Calum anywhere. On top of that, he has to face Luke being all lovey-dovey to a pining Michael and all he wants to do is smush their faces together and yell at them to fuck already so that he doesn't have to see the extreme levels of homosexuality radiating off both of them. He passes the two cuddled up on the couch and walks past the bathroom before stopping at a familiar noise.

He sees the bathroom door closed, so he knocks on it before checking to see if it's locked. The handle gives way and he makes his way inside, finding nothing out of the ordinary. He's about to leave before he hears the sound again coming from behind the shower curtain. He walks over to the shower, listening carefully. "Calum?" he asks.

When someone sniffles again, he pulls away the curtain and indeed finds Calum sitting in the tub. Ashton takes in the makeup strewn across the porcelain and some of it running down Calum's face. Calum doesn't bother looking up, and Ashton feels his heart rise to his throat.

Ashton closes the bathroom door and locks it before kneeling next to the tub. "What's wrong, Cal?" he asks, reaching his hand out to rub some of the makeup off. 

Calum chokes back a sob as he replies, "Go away." Ashton's heart hurts as he looks down at his lap. He stands up and, instead of leaving, climbs into the tub with Calum, making for a tight fit even after removing the makeup containers. 

He pulls his knees to his chest, leaning forward to take Calum's face between his hands. His thumbs rub at the streaks and wipe the makeup off on his black skinny jeans. He figures no one will notice. "Calum?"

Calum looks up at his name, and Ashton sees his red eyes before he ducks his face again. It's quiet for a minute while Ashton wonders what to do. Time is ticking and they still have a show to perform.

"Would you like me if I was a girl?" Calum asks quietly, using the back of his hands to wipe away the tears that won't seem to stop streaming down his face. He breathes shakily. "You know, since you're not gay."

Ashton stops breathing entirely. He chokes out, "What do you mean?" His heart races in his chest, and he wishes he didn't feel more self-hatred for despising his own sexuality than making Calum cry. 

"I'm in fucking love with you, Irwin! That's what I mean," Calum sighs heavily after half-heartedly punching Ashton's shoulder. "I thought if I put on makeup to make myself look prettier like a girl, then you would love me back." He wipes away another stream of tears and rubs his hands on his own pair of jeans. "I'm stupid, I know."

Ashton finds himself fighting tears as he picks up Calum's sweaty hand. He presses kisses to each of his fingers, and Calum lets him before harshly pulling them away. "Don't do that if you don't love me." Ashton's stomach turns as he takes Calum's hand in his again, pressing kisses to his knuckles. He looks up at Calum, who stares back at him with his mouth open slightly. 

Calum pulls his hand away again, his face growing mad. "You're an asshole! You know that, Ashton? You think you can play with my feelings like this? You think you can make me believe you love me when you kiss my fingers, but you said it yourself. You're not gay. Fuck off." Calum scrambles to pull himself up to get out of the shower, and almost ends up face planting into the ground.

Before he can reach the door handle, Ashton is tugging at his hand and spinning him around. Calum runs into Ashton's chest and doesn't have time to get away before Ashton's fingers lift his chin, and suddenly they're kissing. Suddenly Ashton's pressing their lips together and tugging at the hair at the back of his head, trying to tell Calum everything through one kiss. Their lips move together until they run out of breath. 

Ashton pulls away only to resume kissing Calum's tear-stained cheek and jaw. Calum breathes heavily as his fingers tighten around fistfuls of Ashton's shirt. He lets out a small noise that Ashton's not sure is a grunt or a cry, so he pulls back to check. 

Calum looks distraught. Ashton pushes back the hair that fell in his face, running his fingers through the black tufts. He presses a kiss to Calum's cheek, right in front of his ear, before whispering, "I love you."

Calum shakes his head like he doesn't believe Ashton. Ashton panics as he realizes Calum is going to pull away, so he wraps his arms around him so he can't leave without Ashton letting go. "Let me explain--"

"What is there to say? That you like leading me on and lying to me about loving me? Let me go." Calum pushes at Ashton's chest, but it's no use. 

"God, Calum. I hate myself, okay? I hate that I didn't know my sexuality until I told you I wasn't gay. I hate that I fell in love with you before I even knew it. I hate that I don't think it's okay to be gay. I hate that I'm in love with a boy, but I wouldn't trade you out for a girl because quite frankly girls aren't my type. You might look prettier with makeup on, but that's because makeup was made to make people prettier. You look beautiful no matter if you wear makeup or not, and I don't care if you do wear makeup. I care that you might not believe me right now when I say I fucking swear to God I love you, Calum Hood. If that makes me gay, then so be it. As long as you're here to help me get over my inner homophobia, I don't care if the whole world calls me gay for being in love with you." 

Ashton feels his own tears start to leak as he lets go of Calum. He's never said any of those things before. He's never admitted his feelings about any of that stuff before, and he feels something inside of him explode with relief even though he hasn't gotten a reaction out of Calum yet.

Calum stands in shock for a minute before pulling Ashton into a hug, and Ashton didn't realize how much he needed to be held until that moment. He's always trying to be the strong, "straight" man everyone knows him to be, but he feels his walls cracking and crumbling and getting stomped on by Calum's foot, and it's like a dam has been broken. He's sobbing into Calum's chest, his own constricting at the thought of what Calum could possibly be thinking about him.

"If you give me a kiss at least once per day, I'll believe you love me," Calum murmurs in his ear, his hands rubbing Ashton's back. Ashton sniffles as he giggles, looking up from the wet mess he made on Calum's t-shirt. Now Calum is the one to wipe away Ashton's tears, smiling down at the older boy.

Calum leans in to kiss Ashton, and waits for Ashton to stop hesitating before mushing their mouths together, his fingers twirling Ashton's hair. Ashton tries his best to swallow the lump in his throat, and he reciprocates most of Calum's actions until they pull apart.

The two boys are a mess of giggles as they pick up the makeup and slide them into the bag Calum got from the thrift shop. Ashton helps Calum clean off his face, and when they're done, kisses Calum's red cheeks.

They decide that even though they should be officially together now, Ashton probably didn't want it to be totally official that people know about it yet. Calum agrees to let Ashton take his time getting used to the idea of having a boyfriend. They leave the bathroom a few minutes apart, but Calum catches Luke's smirk anyways.

After an okay concert where Michael messed up a few solos and notes, Ashton found himself wanting to sneak kisses from Calum backstage. Before Calum could wander off, he pulled him back and looked around before ducking his head and pressing a chaste kiss to his lips. Ashton slipped his fingers in between Calum's and pulled a smiling boy away from the stage and towards the back door.

Ashton knew what was coming so he put on his new sunglasses and let go of Calum's hand to push the door open and start talking to fans. He smiled smugly as bright flashes went off and Calum cowered behind him. After meeting a few fans, he climbed in the car with Calum and a pissed Michael.

Ashton ignores the two other angsty boys in the car and focuses on Calum as they drive towards their hotel. He shifts their feet together so that they are touching, and he feels something swimming in his stomach as the thought of being able to touch Calum in private. He tries his best to shove away all the bad thoughts clouding his mind, his eyes looking up to meet the pretty boy's next to him. 

After Michael and Luke get out of the car, Calum helps Ashton out, and they walk together into their hotel. Before they can join their band in the elevator, Ashton pulls Calum aside and pushes him up the stairs in front of him. 

Calum's a few paces ahead when Ashton's eyes land on the butt in front of him. He bites his lip to stop from shaking his mind clear, and he climbs faster up the stairs to fall in line right behind Calum, his hand snaking around his waist. Even if Ashton's inner self doesn't want him to like boys, he has to admit that Calum's firm ass is hard to deny.

When they reach their floor, Ashton stops Calum before they can walk down the hall. He pulls him to the side and pins him against the wall, his arms moving to trap Calum in between them. "De javu, huh Calum?" Ashton whispers huskily, his nose brushing lightly against Calum's.

"You're not gonna tell me you're not gay again, are you?" Calum teases, his hands moving to pull Ashton's lower half to his. Ashton lets out a quiet moan as their hips touch.

"Never again," he replies before slotting his lips with Calum's. He bucks his hips forward, and he finds it extremely weird how turned on he's getting from kissing a boy. He's not sure how far he wants to go with Calum tonight, or how far he wants to go with Calum in a month from now. All he knows is that boys have pretty lips too, and Calum sure knows how to use his when Ashton's hands and pulling at his hair.

But hey, that's a story for another time.

**Author's Note:**

> It might take a while for the second chapter to come up, but you don't need the first chapter for the second chapter and vice versa.


End file.
